[MW Forums]

Industry observers nodded in agreement last week at the conclusions of a scathing internal assessment that has come to be called the "peanut butter" memo. more

[JScott]

At least he didn't get canned like Jerry Maguire :P

[Winski]

One of my favorite all time internal memos detailed here:
http://www.commondre...s01/0406-04.htm

[mike3k]

This is the best ever internal memo from a company I used to work for:

Quote:

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January 5, 1998
Memo To: All Employees
From: [president of the company]
Subject: Policies on Coffee Breaks and Food/Drinks
For over 15 years [company name omitted] has had a formal policy on 1) coffee breaks
and 2) locations where food and drinks may not be consumed. These policies are as follows:
-- There are two scheduled coffee breaks each day. The morning break
is from 10:15 to 10:30 A.M. and the afternoon break is from 3:15
to 3:30 P.M.

-- The company provides free coffee or tea to employees during the
scheduled coffee breaks and at lunchtime.

-- Food or drinks (with the exception of water which must be in a
closed container) are not allowed in company offices or warehouses
at any time. Food or drinks may only be consumed in lunchrooms or
patio/outside areas.
These policies were established for good reasons. They were for cleanliness,
electronic equipment concerns, work scheduling and efficiency. The company
decided to pay for coffee and tea to offset any inconvenience employees
might feel.
Many employees are not following these policies. As a result, food and
drinks are being consumed at any hour of the working day, employees are
using extra company-paid time to obtain unauthorized coffee, and coffee
is being consumed in places where food and drinks should not be consumed.
In spite of the fact that our employee numbers have not increased in
the past year, company expenses on coffee and related supplies have almost
doubled in the past year.
Effective immediately, I expect all employees to adhere to [company name omitted]
formal policies as stated above. Supervisors and managers will be expected to
enforce and monitor these policies in their respective departments.

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[aestival]

Quote:

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But its peanut butter analogy did crystallize the problems facing Yahoo, just as Bill Gates "Trustworthy Computing" set a vision for Microsoft employees in the area of security in 2002.

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Microsoft security, eh? How's that going, anyway?
Perhaps Yahoo could aim a bit higher... sigh.

[Federalist]

Mike3k and Winski, I'm missing something. Why do you like those memos? Is there some humor in there?

[Federalist]

Quote:

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One of my favorite all time internal memos detailed here:
http://www.commondre...s01/0406-04.htm

---

That boss sounds tough, but I'm not sure what made his memo your favorite. Here is a memo where the humor is more obvious. Some people prefer more subtle humor, but I think you can tell why it made me laugh even though I can't even confirm if the memo is real or a spoof.

Retirement Plan Memorandum
DATE:November 21, 1996
TO:All Employees
FROM:Management
RE:Retirement Plan
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as RAPE - (Retired Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. Provided that they are RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is known as SCREW - (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management. This phase is called SHAFT - (Study of Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES - (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP - (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS - Additional Income from Dependents of Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the Company.
Management wishes to assure younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained though our Special High Intensity Training - SHT. The Company takes pride in the amount of SHT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHT than any company in this area. If any employee feels he/she does not receive enough SHT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. YOUR SUPERVISOR IS ESPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE SH*T YOU CAN STAND.
THE MANAGEMENT

[barkomatic]

Oh my God mike3k, I would go nuts at a company like that. Telling me when to have my caffeine and treating me like a child? Hopefully, they've booted the micro-manager that came up with that policy by now. /forums/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif